Synesthesia

Does the word 'mischievous' look like a dimpled grin and a glint in the eye or is it just a problem with my vision? The word 'blue' sounds so perfect for the color, that I see the color. (Now I have auditory problems too). And 'yellow' looks wilted to me, or do I just associate it with dead daffodils instead of the sun? Oh, 'sun' is orange-red, not bright yellow.

Wonder why the song Everything Burns brings to mind a silhouette of a woman, the sound of wind ascending and a flame that casts everything into a purplish hue? I like the image in my head, I don't want to spoil it by watching the video.  I remember the first time I heard Desert Rose - I didn't even know the name of the song then, but the second I heard the intro and Cheb Mami's longing burden to the song, I told my friends that I hoped the music video would show a man in black driving a black Merc through the sand dunes into the sunset. Quite close it turned out to be (thank god), except that Sting was holding a camcorder or somethin' and the car was a Jag (I think).

This happens often. The images that rise from listening to a song I mean. Too often. But sometimes the mismatches are disturbing - what I see in my mind and what the reality is. Which is why I dislike gchat or whatever form of online communication. I hate cellphones too - certain voices (more often if it is an interview), sound like rocks crumbling before a landslide, or bread crumbs of the homemade kind. Dissonant in its presence and absence of sound.  Both in online, or real-time conversations, a single word or phrases in a certain pattern, brings to mind a particular tone of voice or face, or color that I react to...

I have now purchased a sense of humor. And I have trained myself to have certain blindspots. As for dealing with aural disharmony, I have my iPod. (I don't take calls if I can help it. I can help it).

There is an instinctive dislike to a certain kind of voice, that I avoid talking to the person with the voice. Yeah it is rude, and yeah, the person might be 'nice', but it is nothing personal. (Though in my limited experience, people with the certain voice turned out to be not so nice, or just a waste of my time. I did not say stupid. So there).

Most of these things perhaps stem from associations, or how we remember (or choose to forget) things. I can't remember why I hate the smell of Jovan musk perfume, but I remember punching someone for wearing that 'scent'.  Perhaps I hate the certain voice, b'cuz it reminds me of an unattractive mean woman. I don't know.

I shouldn't care too. Except that this problem spills over to other areas - I find that it takes me forever to write anything at all. What looks good on paper, doesn't look good online, and when I read it aloud, it sounds terrible - just no rhythm. Don't know if it is a good or a bad thing. Oh and what looks good on paper to me is something written in a black gel/ ink pen. Anything written in blue is not worth saving.  And once I post this, the blog template makes me 'read' different from when I write this on the text editor. Text editor = white, blog = black. I like black. And red. White is not a color, it is a fear... of blank pages.

1st Draft, 2nd draft, ....nth draft....wonder when all my senses be in harmony? Maybe if they were, I would be well-coordinated. Or my sentences will be.