Breaking

Everybody knows this: people change. Things change. And you lose something in that change. Some things you gain (so they say, but don't ask me who the hell is 'they'). Anyway, in most cases, you are only cognizant of your losses. And these losses make you (again) lose focus, make you blind to the good around you, that maybe loss is a positive thing. Maybe there are no positives. 

When you were young, you listen to Pink Floyd. (I use 'listen', I know it is incorrect, just that in my head, I still listen to Floyd, thing is, the listening now is a lot different). Back to the past. You listen, discuss the lyrics, riffs, the million versions, the whole shebang. Your shelves (or your floor, in case you don't have space or shelves) are filled with:

1. Cassettes you've recorded from the radio (this being the late 80s and early 90s).
   
2. CDs (yes, you now have a job and the second thing you bought with your money is a Philips music system that plays both tapes and CDs *and parents think you are not careful with your money, sigh*... Oh the first thing you bought is a guitar, in case anyone is wondering).
   
3. Books on PF, album artwork, lyrics (aah, what a little more money can buy, especially if you live on coffee)
   
4. CDs with different versions of all the albums (no, this is not OCD, just Oh..CD).
   

Hell, you even cried when you heard Syd Barret 'died' on July 13 2006.

Then something happened. Somewhere along the line, something changed. You don't listen with the same obsession. True, now you have transfered all the music in your CD collection to your iPod... but it's on shuffle. If Hey You or Amused to Death plays as you walk down the street, great. You still get the lump in your throat but that is a basic reaction, you don't anymore seek out to get that feeling. You still know that if Coming Back to Life plays when you're in a bar, it is time to leave. (God help you if it never plays).


You have grown up. You don't spend days trying to get that new song, you have better things to do...or choose nothingness. You have forgotten what it means to love. To love something so much you can't comprehend how you would live in its absence. (We're still talking music and Floyd here). Growing up means you know that obsession of any kind will make life hell for you, and who among us would want our lives to be hell? Growing up means to be able to live despite this loss. But how do you live?


Change jobs, change cities, have different men, but move, move so fast that you can replace loss with something new. Growing up? Or breaking down? Maybe growing up is just being in control of the things that break down, so much better when you are breaking it. At least you know the cause of destruction and loss - it is you. Better to know who is responsible than having to wonder what the hell happened that caused you your loss. 


Does being grown up mean that you are now comfortable with the dying of things you love, or the killing of them?