Fighting for sanity

Anybody under the influence knows how difficult it gets to quit something that makes you feel good. But there comes a time when that feeling passes and progresses to something quite sinister. A question that has no right answer is whether Hyde is the true nature of Jekyll or the other way round. Both or neither? Is someone's nature in-built, or carefully cultivated, or something that can be razed to the ground and rebuilt over and over?

Why do people use drugs or alcohol as a litmus test to pass judgement on someone's behavior? Is it fair to use these substances as the casting vote for a character test when it's a fact that they have a detrimental effect on a person?

Guess if you are a kinder, better person when you are high. Though the possibility of that is slim if such a possibility exists at all.

I believe the worst drug there is is alcohol. Because it is legitimate, socially acceptable, and it actually kills brain cells. In addition to ruining relationships. Which leads to further indulgence to forget the complete lack of companionship. It also makes you forget the things you enjoy. Like writing, playing music. The dying of hand eye coordination.

To fight this abuse, you need support. In its absence, you need tremendous control, and hold on to the memory of loss; the loss of friends, money, pleasure in music or sunrises. Your losses are what started all this mess, your losses are why you now want to stop. And you would need a lot of distractions to fill the time, to stop obsessing about not having a drink every minute. The fallout of trying to quit is the clarity of nightmares... which makes it so hard. Especially if the reason for drinking is to have a dreamless sleep (or the feeling of it).

The idea is to take it one hour at a time. For distractions, I now have a new playlist. Songs are analyzed, lyrics are memorized, and practiced.


Once there was a way to get back homeward
Once there was a way to get back home
Sleep pretty darling do not cry
And I will sing a lullaby...


Boy, you're gonna carry that weight,
Carry that weight a long time...


Forever, most probably. But it is time to start fighting for things that matter.