Waiting for the end of...

April. It IS the cruelest month. And this time it has spilled over to the rest of the year. 2012 has been a period of lows, with the occasional slivers of hope. Which of course makes it worse.

There were resolutions. Walk more, eat less, reveal nothing, the usual. I stick with it for 20 days, then break down. I start over. Again and again. But never get anywhere. I haven't gotten anywhere.

There's this vicious cycle of thoughts that I try to ignore with the logical:
I have a dead-end job. (At least I have a job in this economy). But I do know people with better jobs/ who do what they love. (I also know people struggling without steady jobs).

I don't have my own space to live. (At least I live in the most dysfunctional street of NYC for relatively cheap). I sleep on a couch and have to share the bathroom. I don't sleep and when I do, random people ring the buzzer at 2am to use the bathroom. I share my room with a mouse or it could be three mice. They always seem to be hungry. (Exterminators can't do much with bugs and mice). I hate mice, they eat my food and chew on my socks. I should get a cat. Oh I hate them more.

I get into useless fights over silly things. I'm a vapid narcissist and am delusional and get paranoid over imagined affronts to my sense of control. That's already four abnormal behaviors as explained in the psych book I'm currently editing. (And I don't have control over anything).

My sense of adventure is sleeping along with my quest for greatness. (My adventures are limited to getting lost somewhere between the Bowery and Delancey street).

Boredom sets in too quickly. (But I don't do anything about it). I crib about hearing the same old songs over and over. (But I don't change the radio station to listen to something different). I willfully destroy everything that is important to me so I can feel something, anything other than boredom. I won't talk about the casualties. Because I am a vapid narcissist.

And then there are always the things one doesn't talk about.

I am in way over my head. Cuz it is hell inside my head.