You can go your own way...

There are moments that define our lives. Singular seconds of time that make us who we are. These are the seconds that seem like time has frozen; or gone by so fast it is frozen, like the spinning earth  you can't feel but obviously know. These are moments that no matter what you do, you can't erase them from your head. The first tooth you pulled out on your own and you realized your threshold of pain, the time you punched someone for no good reason, the time you didn't fight back when you had all the reasons, the things you survived only 'cuz you held your breath... these are moments when realizations occurred in the spaces of your choices: that you were an expert in open silence and internal screams, and pretty good at jigsaw puzzles and breaking mirrors. Bloody good really, that you could hide rage and fear in silence. A skill you thought would hold you up after the lights go out...
Aaah the pride...

Behold the Lord will carry thee away with a mighty captivity, and will surely cover thee.
He will surely violently turn and toss thee like a ball into a large country: there shalt thou die, and there the chariots of thy glory shall be the shame of thy lord's house.

And so comes a time when you decide to give yourself a break. A weakening by refusing to believe in your acquired strengths. You take the stairs whenever possible, and get in an elevator only if there are 3 people or less. You refuse to hit someone even if every fiber in your body screams it. You avoid by absence. It gets easier with time, and it helps that you stand so still no one notices you're around or not. This is good. Really. And defining moments of different sorts now happen. When it all comes together in chaos. You begin to believe anything is possible. After all you've changed despite swearing you never would.
Again the pride...

Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further: and here shall thy proud waves be stayed...

Right.

And so we go back.

But can a butterfly metamorphose back to a caterpillar 'cuz it fears flying?

Wanting something really bad results in not getting it.
Not wanting something can go both ways.

And some other random thoughts:

• An addiction sometimes aids living.
• Sleep is an unreliable ally.
• LPs on Edison phonograph and radio on the Victor victrola is how music should sound, how it was meant to sound.
• If you were really smart you'd learn from others' mistakes instead of making them. How many different ways do you have to learn the definition of pain??
• Absolution should never be asked for since it will never be given.
• More things can be hidden in writing than can be revealed.
• There is no need for a lighthouse if there are no ships passing through.

You will never be able to go back, return to where you have been. You may never reach the end of the road you have chosen. When you come to a fork, just take it.

And enjoy the view.